The Unwritten Girl Code

The rules nobody writes down

A lot of what makes women’s friendships feel warm isn’t big, dramatic loyalty - it’s a hundred tiny habits. Girls usually soak these up in primary school, at sleepovers and in netball change rooms. If you missed those years (for any reason at all), they can feel like a secret language. They’re not secret. They’re just unspoken. Let’s speak them.

None of these are rules you’ll be marked on. Think of them as a phrasebook: the more you notice them, the more you’ll see them everywhere, and the easier it’ll feel to join in.

1. The bathroom-mirror compliment

The women’s bathroom at a pub, club or wedding is famously one of the friendliest places on earth. Strangers say things like:

• “Oh my god, I love your dress, where’s it from?”
• “Your eyeliner is so sharp, I could never.”
• “Does anyone have a bobby pin?”, and three people dig through their bags.

It’s normal to give a quick, genuine compliment to someone you’ll never see again, and normal to receive one. The trick is to compliment choices, not bodies: an outfit, a lip colour, nails, a bag, a laugh. “Love your earrings!” is lovely. Comments about weight, shape or “you look so young/natural” are best left out.

2. Sharing is caring (bags are communal)

Hair ties, tissues, pads, painkillers, blotting papers, a spare phone charger, mints, a safety pin for a strap emergency - women often carry little emergency kits and share them freely, even with strangers. If someone asks the room “does anyone have…?”, it’s completely normal to offer. If you start carrying a few spares yourself, you’ll become that friend, and people adore that friend.

3. “Text me when you’re home”

At the end of a night out, a dinner, or even a coffee, you’ll often hear: “Text me when you get home!” This isn’t nagging. It’s a quiet safety net and a way of saying I care what happens to you. The expected reply is a quick “Home! 💕 Had the best time.”

Do it back. Asking a new friend to let you know she’s home safe is one of the fastest ways to signal that you’re in her corner.

4. Checking in

Women tend to keep friendships alive with small, frequent touches rather than big occasional ones:

• “Saw this and thought of you” + a meme or a photo of a dog that looks like hers.
• “How did the job interview go??” - remembering the thing she mentioned last week.
• “Thinking of you today x” on a hard anniversary.

You don’t need a reason to message. Remembering details is a gift. Some people keep a note in their phone of friends’ birthdays, partners’ names and big upcoming events, not creepy, just caring.

5. Advice or a listening ear?

When a friend vents, there’s a classic question: “Do you want advice, or do you just want me to listen?” Many women want to feel heard first and fixed second (or never). Asking shows respect, and you’ll get a straight answer more often than you’d think.

6. The “hype” and the honest friend

Friends hype each other (“You look AMAZING”, “He’s so lucky”, “Send me the fit pic!”) and that enthusiasm is part of the fun. But the most valued friend is also gently honest: she’ll tell you there’s lipstick on your teeth, your skirt is tucked into your tights, or your label is sticking out. If it can be fixed in 30 seconds, tell her quietly. If it can’t, don’t mention it.

7. Reciprocity, softly

Friendship has a gentle rhythm of give and take: she shouted coffee, you get the next one; she hosted, you bring something next time; she listened to your crisis, you ask about hers. Nobody keeps an exact scoreboard, but people do notice if it only ever flows one way.

You’re allowed to be new at this

If you’re learning all this as an adult, you might worry about “getting it wrong”. Here’s the secret: warmth covers almost every mistake. A compliment that comes out a bit awkward, a check-in text that’s slightly too long - people remember that you cared, not how polished you were.

Next up, you’ll get to practise one of these in a little story. 🌸