Trust Your Gut

Safety is a confidence skill

Welcome to the Safety & Confidence bed. Let’s start with something important: this isn’t about being scared. Most days, most places and most people are perfectly fine. Safety skills are like knowing how to swim - you learn them so you can enjoy the water more, not so you avoid the beach.

Women share safety habits with each other all the time (“text me when you’re home”, “want me to walk you to your car?”) usually so casually that it never feels like a big deal. If nobody passed these on to you, this bed is where you catch up.

Your gut is data

Ever felt a prickle on the back of your neck, or a sudden “nope” about a person, a lift or a street, before you could explain why? That’s intuition: your brain noticing patterns faster than your conscious mind can put into words - a too-long stare, someone mirroring your route, a “friendly” stranger who won’t take a hint.

Gavin de Becker’s book The Gift of Fear makes a powerful point: we’re often taught to override that feeling so we don’t seem rude, dramatic or unkind. Women in particular get lots of practice at being “nice”. But you never need to justify a gut feeling to anyone.

Unease vs anxiety

Sometimes the alarm bell is anxiety rather than intuition, especially if you’ve had scary experiences, or you’re newly out in the world presenting how you want to. A few ways to tell them apart:

• Intuition tends to be specific and in the present: “that man has passed me three times.”
• Anxiety tends to be general and about what-ifs: “what if everyone is staring at me?”

Both deserve kindness. For intuition, act. For anxiety, slow breathing, grounding (name five things you can see) and gentle exposure help, and the Wellbeing bed has more. Either way, choosing the cautious option is always allowed.

Boundaries: the fence around your garden

A boundary is a line about what you’re okay with - your time, your body, your space, your stuff, your energy. Boundaries aren’t walls to keep people out; they’re fences with a gate you control.

You’re allowed to say no to:

• A hug, a kiss, a dance, a drink.
• Questions about your body, your history or your medical care.
• Giving out your number or your socials.
• Staying longer, lending money, doing a favour.
• Anything, really - without a reason.

How to say no (without a TED talk)

The more you explain, the more room you give someone to argue. Try short, warm, firm:

• “No, thank you.”
• “I’m not up for that, but thanks.”
• “I’m going to head off now.”
• “That doesn’t work for me.”
• “I’ve already said no.” (for the second ask)

If they push, you can use the broken record technique: calmly repeat the same sentence, without new reasons. “No thanks.” “No thanks.” “No thanks.” Pushy people feed on explanations; a broken record gives them nothing to work with.

When “no” isn’t safe

Occasionally, being direct could escalate things, with someone aggressive, drunk or who holds power over you. In those moments, getting safe beats being assertive. A vague excuse (“My friend’s waiting for me”), a fake phone call, or walking towards other people are all completely valid. You haven’t failed a boundary by protecting yourself.

A note for trans women

Trans women (particularly trans women of colour and sex workers) can face higher rates of harassment and violence. That’s a reflection on others, not on you. Everything in this bed applies to you, and the support services we link throughout (including trans-specific ones like Trans Lifeline, and LGBTIQ+ services like QLife, Switchboard and Galop) are there for you. You deserve to be safe and to live a big, visible, joyful life.

Next up: practising your first small “no”. 💪