Finding Your People

Sisterhood isn’t a club with a bouncer

“Sisterhood” can sound like something you either have or you don’t. In real life, it’s built - conversation by conversation, favour by favour, birthday by birthday. Many women say their closest friendships didn’t arrive until their late twenties, thirties or even later. You haven’t missed the boat. There’s no boat. There’s a whole harbour.

Different friends for different seasons

You don’t need one perfect best friend who does everything. Most women have a patchwork:

• The everyday friend - sends memes, knows what you had for lunch.
• The deep-talk friend - you call her at 11pm when things fall apart.
• The activity friend - you climb, run, crochet or game together, and that’s enough.
• The mentor or big-sister friend - a bit further along, shares wisdom.
• The “we only see each other twice a year but pick up instantly” friend.

All of these count. A few small connections can be as nourishing as one big one.

Chosen family

For many queer and trans people (and plenty of others) chosen family is the circle of people who show up like family does, whether or not you’re related. They’re who you spend Christmas with, who visits you in hospital, who remembers your name day or your “transiversary”. If your family of origin is loving, wonderful. If it isn’t, or it’s complicated, chosen family is just as real.

Finding spaces where you fit

Think about what you’d love to share with people: a hobby, a life stage, a culture, a faith, an identity. Then look for groups built around it.

• Women’s groups - walking groups, women’s sports leagues, business networks, book clubs, crafting circles.
• Queer women’s spaces - sapphic social nights, queer choirs, roller derby (famously welcoming), LGBTQ+ sports clubs.
• Trans and gender-diverse community - peer-support groups, social catch-ups, trans-led craft or games nights, online communities.
• Cultural and faith communities - many now have LGBTQ+-inclusive groups too.

How to tell a space is good for you

Not every group will feel right, and that’s useful information, not failure.

Green signs: people learn your name; newcomers are welcomed; there’s a clear code of conduct; disagreements are handled kindly; people’s pronouns and identities are respected without fuss; you leave feeling lighter.

Amber signs: cliques that don’t open up after a few visits; constant gossip about absent members; pressure to drink, spend or commit more than you want.

Time to go: you’re mocked, misgendered on purpose, pressured, or made to feel unsafe. You can leave any space, any time.

You can be the welcomer, too

Once you find a space you love, you get to be the person who says “Hi! Is this your first time? Come sit with us.” That’s how sisterhood grows: someone welcomed you, and you pass it on. 🌷