Speak Up, Sorry-Free
A week-long challenge to swap reflexive apologies for confident, warm language, and to ask for what you need.
The sorry reflex
Do you ever say sorry when someone else bumps into you? Apologise before asking a question? Start emails with “Sorry to bother you, I just wanted to quickly check…”?
Many people (especially those raised to be accommodating, to keep the peace, or to take up less space) carry an automatic sorry reflex. Apologising when you’ve genuinely made a mistake is a lovely, mature thing to do. But reflexive apologies can make you seem less confident than you are, and they quietly teach you that your needs are an inconvenience.
Swaps to try
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “Sorry I’m late!” | “Thank you so much for waiting!” |
| “Sorry for rambling.” | “Thanks for listening - that really helped.” |
| “Sorry, can I ask a question?” | “I’ve got a question.” / “Quick question!” |
| “Sorry to bother you, I just wanted to check…” | “Hi! I wanted to check…” |
| “This is probably a dumb idea, but…” | “Here’s an idea…” |
| “Sorry, I can’t make it.” | “I can’t make it this time, but have the best night!” |
| “I just think maybe…” | “I think…” |
| “Does that make sense?” | “What do you think?” |
Three kinds of saying it
- Passive: going along with things, hinting, hoping people guess. (“Oh no, it’s fine, whatever you want…”)
- Aggressive: getting your way at others’ expense. (“That’s a stupid plan, we’re doing mine.”)
- Assertive: clear, honest and respectful of everyone. (“I’d prefer Thai tonight - how does that sound?”)
Assertive is the sweet spot: you count, and they count.
Saying no
“No” is a complete sentence, but a warm one helps:
- “Thanks for thinking of me! I can’t this time.”
- “That’s not something I can take on right now.”
- “Let me check and get back to you.” (A brilliant way to buy time.)
You don’t need a long excuse. Over-explaining invites people to argue with your reasons.